PAPERBACK BOOKS
THE DAY I DIED

Follow the crazy and surreal adventures of Lazarus, an unlikely hero who wakes up a from a gunshot wound. Lazarus lives an uneventful life with no future; he works in an underground car park owned by the biggest and meanest gangster in town. Well our hero’s life changes one day when a Maserati and Porsche arrive and he looks in the boot of the Maserati.

Adding to Lazarus’ worries are a collection of certifiable criminals and an outrageously insane detective. Adding to his happiness is a Greek Goddess, who refuses to wear underwear.

Recalling the events leading up to his present situation, the reader is taken on an out of control and insane adventure ending with a hilarious shoot-out from hell.

In Store Price: $AU23.95 
Online Price:   $AU22.95

ISBN: 978-1-921406-86-7  
Format: Paperback
Number of pages: 179
Genre: Fiction

Cover design: Angelo Vlachoulis

 

Author: Nadir Brunetta
Publisher: Zeus Publications
Date Published: 2009
Language: English

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About the author 

Nadir Brunetta was born in Fairfield, NSW, Australia. He has studied Criminology and Sociology. 

He is married and lives in Narellan Vale, NSW.

Prelude

 

Later Today

So, is this how it ends? This thought kept repeating repeatedly in my head as I lay on top of a bloody big rock in the middle of absolutely God does not even know where I was, nowhere. I was quietly looking up at the dark sky seeing millions of stars shining brightly, marvelling at the wonder of life and oh yeah at the same time I was bleeding profusely from a gunshot wound to my stomach. Damn nuisance that.

I thought of a few more things. Like was there life after Mandy, did they sell cigarettes where I was going, also was beer readily available? You would think that with the gunshot wound, and being in the middle of nowhere, with the chance of rescue being as remote as could be, you would think that these issues would be the most prominent problems I mulled over; maybe family would enter my thoughts? No way, those mongrels were nowhere to be seen.

Maybe the more memorable events in my life. Hang on a minute, until a few days ago I had no memorable memories. Well, no, none of these thoughts entered as the last thoughts on this earth, the bigger problem was – well you see, I was desperate for, you would have thought maybe a doctor, one last look at Mandy’s wonderful behind, no I want something so simple yet so pleasing as a last bowl of Coco Pops.

What? Coco Pops! You may well scream!

Hey, we each have our own needs.

This breathtaking thought of hearing those wonderful little pops as you crunched into a spoonful of the greatest cereal man, or chemicals, ever made was unfortunately and fantastically interrupted by the breathtaking roar of a Maserati Gran Sports revving off in the distance. Man it still gives me chills up and down my spine. If there is a better sounding V8 sports car in the world then I have not heard it. Damn what a machine, and to think that car was mine up until about half an hour ago. I turned my head slowly trying to catch one last glimpse of the beast from Italy, before I meet my maker. No such luck, she was now just a distant purr on the black horizon, ah well easy come, easy go.

The three occupants of the Massa were by now laughing their heads off or trying to kill each other with whatever they could find. Their pistols, like the one in my hand, were useless, because I knew they had no bullets left; that I knew for sure. There would be arguing, swearing, hitting, biting and some downright ugliness happening in that car; they were that kind of people.

Despite what they have done to me, I held no great dislike towards them; still it was a shame that we could not have worked it out in a more civilised manner. To add salt to my wound, which by the way was now bleeding more than ever, was the fact that there was about a million bucks in the boot. Again, I owned the cash for about the same amount of time I owned the Massa, ah well, back to the Coco Pops. Easy come, easy go.

Another comforting thought I was having was the image of the magnificent Greek goddess Mandy, my ex-wife, well she was my wife for a while then she was not, I am still struggling with where her devolutions laid. Anyway, Mandy was well known for a number of things, especially her non-wearing of undies, which thankfully I actual saw her in all her glory. My dear ex wife Mandy, man, what a woman. Her long blonde hair, her piercing blue eyes, her body and bottom sculptured by God; he was just showing off. The vision of her wonderful bum was etched forever in my mind, she certainly compensated for anything I was feeling now. Then again, all things considered, after all she had done to me and despite her desire to parade in a total nude state at the drop of a hat, the Coco Pops were slightly ahead.

To understand how I ended up here, with the chance of survival next to zero, you need to go back a few hours; even a day or two. As you will see, some of the unusual events and misfortunes I suffered; well some of which were my fault, and some were not. I was just in the wrong spot at the wrong time. Then again, I did contribute to my own downfall by downright stupidity. Damn family genes.

All told, and this includes the Massa, the million dollars and wonder-bum Mandy, the most important fact of them all would be if  I knew that I was going to die today I would never have woken up.

 

Chapter 1

 

Today

It started as any normal day would, except that I woke up with a severe hangover, extremely unusual for me, as I don’t drink. At the foot of the bed, I could see a large amount of money in a black leather bag and, to my extra amazement, next to me was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed model, sound asleep. Despite all of these factors, I knew something was amiss because I was not woken by screams, sounds of people fighting, police sirens and more importantly the scurrying of rats across my lino floor. Man I hate rats.

Back to the wonder lying next to me, how did I know she had blue eyes? Well she gave me the most sensual wink ever recorded in the annals of winks. Her stunning face was like something out of, Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss March, Miss April, Miss whatever month. She was astonishingly beautiful beyond description and I was lying next to her. Praise be the Lord.

I lay there, not wanting to move, you see she was completely naked and her beautiful sculptured breasts were pressing warmly into my side. Who would move? Not me that’s for damn sure. See you do not know me; I am the type of bloke that has the head and body of someone who has never been in bed with a half-decent woman before, not ever. Paid or un-paid. The woman snuggling up to me was beyond anything I thought was possible in female form, and did I mention she was nude, naked, without clothes.

I was so happy I started to cry.

The beauty’s right hand was resting lightly on my chest, my eyes hypnotized and bewitched by her exposed buttocks. Oh dear God, a greater sight I have never seen in my life. I did not even blink in case the sight would be lost forever. After a while, I woke up to myself and slowly moved my eyes to other parts of her body, if her butt was this good imagine what the rest of her was like. With great joy and anticipation, not only for my eyes, but other parts of my body, I moved my weeping eyes up and over her sensual midriff, over the soft curve of her stomach, around her soft shoulder to her arm, and with much trepidation and anxiety my eyes flew to the all important ring finger.

NO!

You Ripper.

However, I did notice another ring on another finger.

My hazy eyes were blinded as I stared at the sunlight reflecting off the enormous sized solitaire diamond, this mammoth sized piece of glorified crystal was encased in a large amount of pure gold. Twelve smaller teardrop diamonds ringed the huge diamond. The whole thing resembled the size of a large mushroom, and, like mushrooms, I knew that I was in a whole lot of …. well you know what.  

I then returned my gaze to the naked woman, I understood where my priorities lay, realising that whoever she was she was in no hurry to move. I then averted my gaze to the black leather bag at the end of the bed. It was open and on its side; its contents scattered. There in front of my eyes was the most amount of money I have ever seen in my life, hundreds, fifties and twenties all wrapped up with thick red rubber bands. The bag itself was, a big bloody bag, and it was completely full of cash. There must have been thousands of dollars at the foot of the bed. How or why I possessed this amount of money and was in bed with this stunning woman was lost on me, not bad for a bloke who only earns $6.50 an hour parking and washing cars for a living.

Due to the loud thumping noise, performed by the heavy metal band playing in my head, I failed to realise that I was not even in my own bed – let alone my own bedroom. Looking around, slightly stunned, I slowly assessed that it was more than likely a hotel room and, by the style of the furniture, a very expensive hotel room to boot. I scanned the room for any other sign of life, hey who in God’s name knew what was going on. Finding no other living being, and before you freak out, no other dead being either, I relaxed somewhat, that was until I saw what was happening on the far wall facing where I lay.

Hanging on the wall facing the king-sized bed was an overly large plasma TV. No big deal, until you saw what was showing in truly stunning picture quality, was an adult’s only movie. Again no big deal. Whoever the stars were, man they were going for it. As I watched a voice deep inside my aching head was screaming at me to really look at the movie. A few minutes later, dear Lord, it can’t be, oh man alive, no, hang on a minute. Being shown at 3200 plxs by 3200 plxs, and again I must now stress that the two performers were certainly performing amazing things, was me and whatever her name was. The blonde goddess lying naked next to me, yeah I know we all understand she was naked; damn I just cannot help myself mentioning it again and again and again.

Anyway, connected to the TV was a video camera on a tripod, which in turn was pointed towards the bed, oh, crap. I again looked at the performance and man I felt my pride and ego swell to breaking point. There is no need to describe what was going, although I must admit that, if they were handing out medals for adult movie performances, we would be standing on the middle dais with a Goldie around our necks. Damn we were so hot we were popping pixels by the minute. 

Through bloodshot eyes and an even more shot brain, I slowly scanned the room to at least try to work out where I was and what had happened. I saw a few empty bottles of expensive Chivas Regal Whisky and even more expensive Moet Champagne bottles were laying scattered around the room. Damn what have I done? On the bedside table next to me was a black folder with a big gold-coloured R on the cover. Using the one part of my brain unaffected by whatever I had drunk last night, I deciphered that, judging by the ‘R’ I was in the Sydney Regent Hotel and by the view out the main window I was near or at the top; in the penthouse suite. This was a guess. The closest I ever got to being in a room at the Regent was by walking past the building. What in heaven’s name had I got up to last night? I was starting to freak out now.

The goddess of beauty moved and slowly rolled over onto her other side. She kissed me hard on the lips before completing her rollover, I am sure I felt tongue, and what a tongue. Soft, delicate and yet firm. Her tongue was a perfect companion to the rest of her. Then she spoke; “Hello my gorgeous hubby.” Her voice was the crowning jewel in this absolutely spectacular and astonishing perfect form of womanhood ever to grace this good earth.

As she was now facing away from me, I was now staring at her whole backside, and what a backside it was. Michelangelo may well have painted the Sistine Chapel, and that overrated picture of that woman who no one knows if she is smiling or not smiling, but I am sure that if God had asked him to mould and form the perfect butt for him, he would have come up with hers. So now, right in front of my eyes was the most amazing creation of an eye-catching and gorgeous derriere ever. Whatever I have gotten myself into did not matter right here, right now as I gazed upon perfection.

Hang on a minute, what did she say?

Hubby!

Who?

Me?

Oh Christ!

Hang on again, what’s so wrong with that? Apart from not knowing who she was, her name, when we met, how we met, or anything else about her. I knew the most important thing about her. She was naked and in bed with me.

I lay there for a while, my eyes scanning the room for clues or a sleeping husband. My mind was also scanning its memory bank for any clues as to how I ended up here like this. Neither my eyes nor my feeble brain helped anyway what so ever.

The first wave of nausea hit big time. I sat upright just a bit, leaning against the oversized bed head. My stomach held its contents down, well for now anyway. I tried not to move too much or my WIFE would be disturbed. Man I was good at this marriage thing. Minutes of experience proved that.

The call of nature was now screaming at me. From my semi-laying position, I slowly started to move my body in an upright position. Bad mistake, I was beginning to understand the term, ‘hangover’. My head was thumping as if it had a couple of heavy metal bands inside and they were playing different songs to one another. Finally, after an intense struggle with gravity, nausea and other problems, I was now upright with my legs over the side. At all times, my eyes were gawking at …. Well you guess what they were looking at!

Walking gingerly on unsteady legs, I tried to focus every step of the way. My body ached all over. My left arm ached the most, up near the bicep. I managed to make it to the enormously oversized and exceedingly opulent bathroom. I was used to fighting a number of animals in order to have some privacy in my bathroom. Reaching the triple bowl washbasin, I leaned hard on its cool surface to steady myself. My eyes were shut tighter than a steel drum in order to stop the constant spinning. When I opened them, I was standing in front of the full-length mirror and stared at myself in utter disbelief. I tried to close my eyes quickly, too late; my world had turned upside down.

Of all the thoughts that were running through my mind; the woman naked in the bed, the money, of what had happened and of anything else, stopped. None of this mattered now, because my whole life and universe was turned upside down and around and around. Dear Lord, who was this person in the mirror?

The reflection I saw there in the mirror with a look of complete horror screaming across its face was not me. As to who it was, I was not certain. I turned around to see if anyone was behind me, maybe the woman’s husband. No, it was me and only me.

For the love of God, what have I done to myself?

Let’s start by having a look at how I once looked; average height, overweight, one too many bags of hot chips, muscle tone non-existent, round face, double chin, slightly off set eyes with one droopy eyelid, nose a bit thick at the tip, ears like Tinker Bell’s, teeth stained by years of poor health. The only redeeming feature was my mop of wavy, slightly curly brown hair. To say my hair was my proudest possession was an understatement to say the least.

So you could understand my horror when I saw the ‘new me’.

I was as bald as a badger.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO,” I screamed.

The rest was the same, although with my new Kojak-look made the other ordinary sections of my face finally come to life. A new me by removing the best part of the old me. Man I was confused.

To boot, I also had a gold ring through my right eyebrow with a matching one through my nose. My Tinker Bell ears were also recipients of a couple of earrings; man didn’t they improve my ears out of sight. You could not notice my sagging eyelid anymore; tops. To complete the scene, I had a gold chain the thickness of my index finger hanging around my neck. The thing weighed a ton.

Damn I looked cool. John Travolta eat your heart out.

I nodded my approval at the new me. Although something caught my eye.

A large bandage on my left bicep.

Wondering how or why I would have a giant bandaid on my arm proved far too difficult to sort out for now. Although, if I was injured, I thought that I should know about it. I slowly removed the bandage and was I was flabbergasted to see, two doves carrying a rose between them with a wavy scroll reading, Love Forever Mandy.

Thank God, at least I now know her name.

Wait, another bandage, oh no not another tattoo. To my great relief under the second bandage was nothing but a graze; damn sore but only a graze.  

To complete the strange sight reflecting back to me in the mirror was the fact that I was wearing bright blue Calvin Klein socks. Damn, I have a phobia about blue socks, man, now this is starting to get disturbing.

I stood there for about 20 minutes trying to understand what in hell’s name had happened last night. I looked back towards the bed, towards the money and, more importantly, back towards the woman. The woman, my wife? Mandy. Another huge wave of nausea reached my throat, not because of Mandy, but I felt it had something to do with the blue socks. This time there was no way it was stopping, I doubled over.

Washing my face, my head pounding, I again tried to figure what in hell had happened to me to end up like this, not that I was complaining of course, but I did need some sort of explanation.

Because if I knew that in just 13 short hours I would be dead, there was no way I would have wasted 20 minutes in a bathroom. I would have been in bed with Mandy that’s for sure, if that was her real name that is.

I was gently woken from my daydream with a trace of soft nails across my back. The woman, who I guessed was Mandy, was now standing there in all her magnificent glory, and praise be the Lord; she was a true blonde-haired woman. I stared at her marvel and almost started to cry, not because of anything that I had just explained, but, in case it was a dream I was living in.

I did end up spending an hour of my life with Mandy; part of it was spent in the shower, on the bed, the sofa, the dinner table, on the balcony, in the cupboard and every other place we could find. I was very happy about all this. Hang on, was the video still rolling? No. Damn. Still it was a great hour in my life. Unfortunately, I did not know at the time that this only left me with 12 hours to live.

After showering and more lovemaking, I was back on the bed ready to fall asleep again. Mandy was slowly slipping into a short black dress. It barely covered her sensational thighs and not to mention where her panties should be.

I finally heard her voice for the first time, apart from an hour of moaning and yes, yes, yes. Damn right, I am bragging. You should see the video.

“I am not going to wear undies today; I’m feeling naughty,” she purred.

My eyes started to roll slowly in the back of my head. Her voice pure silk. Thanks God, thanks heaps.

Hang on, my mind screamed, a bit too loud. I have seen that dress before, somewhere, or at least I think I had.

“Ok mister, hand them over?” she demanded.

“What?” I asked, sheepishly trying to hide the panties I had under my pillow. Hey if you are like me, and never seen a beautiful woman in the nude before, then don’t pass judgement.

“Hey come on sweetheart, I want what is mine, now can I please have it?” The smile from heaven.

Oh no, I thought, she was a hooker; I knew that I was not that lucky. I reached down to the end of the bed and grabbed a wad of fifties. Not being able to count right now, I simply threw her the whole wad and shrugged a stupid smile.

“Thanks baby, but where are the keys to my car?” Her smile made me feel like a man.

Quickly looking around the room, I saw my pants and shirt thrown around with great abandon, another pair of blue socks were hanging over the bedside lamp and my undies, well, they were – they were thumb tacked onto the far wall – the word STUD written on them in big gold writing. Never in my wildest dreams, or weirdest reality, would I ever wear anything like that.

I looked again at the bedside table and to my amazement, (if I could be anymore amazed), I found two sets of keys. One belonged to a Porsche of course, and the other belonged to a Maserati. YES! I didn’t even think twice about it, I tossed her the keys to the Porsche. Again, my head screamed something like, YOU HAVE SEEN THESE KEYS BEFORE, YOU FOOL! 

It just makes sense that I owned a Porsche and a Maserati, after all, a stunning woman just made love to me, I just gave her probably a few thousand dollars and I am in the penthouse suite of the fancy smancy swanky hotel, why wouldn’t I own a pair of super cars, man, I hoped the Maserati was black. In fact, I knew for certain that the Massa was black. Now how did I know that?

Mandy thanked me and said that she would be back in an hour or so. With that, she left. Not before she bent over in front of me to adjust a shoe strap, and guess what? I know you know, but I am telling you again, she was a true blonde.

WOW WEE, I prayed to Allah, God, Buddha, and every other known religious deity and thanked them all. Man, whatever happened last night did not matter right now, I was in heaven.

Mandy moved out of the room, panther like; she blew me a kiss as the door slowly shut behind her.

Heaven, I was in heaven.

I lay there for a while trying to work a few things out. Well more than a few things – more like a number of major things. As I lay there, a small voice in the back of my head kept singing, ‘Man, you’re in trouble’. This was enhanced by a voice in the front of my head, which screamed, ‘YOU’RE IN A HEAP OF CRAP’.

For reasons beyond my comprehension, I totally agreed.

My stomach, having emptied itself of its contents, was in need of being filled again.

Retrieving my ‘Stud’ undies from the wall I gingerly placed them on; my brain was still fried from whatever I had drunk last night. The only shirt I could find was a white puffy type of shirt. Putting it on I was not only surprised to find that it fitted perfectly, but it also had a packet of smokes in its pocket. I also found a gold Dunhill lighter; it weighed a ton.

Instantly I lit one up. I dragged on it heavily and sat down in the overly expensive and completely uncomfortable lounge suite. I found a silver and gold coffee maker, and in a few minutes, I had a full cup of pure, black, silky-smooth coffee.

With the combination of caffeine and nicotine (although as far as I knew this was my first smoke) I started to relax a bit. The image of Mandy fresh in my overly excited mind certainly did not help the process along. I needed to relax and think. I slipped on my sunnies, for the room lights were blinding me and distracting my weak and intoxicated brain from working.

My attention was drawn to the fact that there was no way I could afford to stay in something like this, especially on my wages. My fumbling mind thought about this for a while until, finally, I looked towards the bag of money; well that explains my staying here. Although it did nothing for the fact that I had no idea how I came about having so much money in the first place.

Damn, I was in trouble, what did I do? Win the lottery, rob a bank or something?

“Come on brain,” I said aloud. “Think, damn it, think.”

No good, nothing happened.

With another coffee and another smoke, I wandered over to the bed. Picking up the bag, I was astonished to feel the weight of it. How much was in here? After a quick count I found it contained about a million dollars, give or take a few hundred thousand, maths was never my strong point. Tipping the bag upside down, something dropped out that made me jump up in fright. A black evil looking thing was now on the bed next to the money; a pistol.

I on the other hand was no longer on the bed; I leapt, lunatic like, behind the lounge and hid there for a while. After a period of some panic, all the time wishing that I was back in my one bedroom flea-infested flat with my Coco Pops, I peeked up over the top.

Damn, the money and pistol were still there, also those damn blue socks.

Regaining some courage I was back on the lounge lighting up another smoke, these cancer sticks really helped, yeah until they killed you. The caffeine of the coffee was wreaking havoc on my empty stomach, so I was having a beer instead. According to the price guide, this was going to cost me something like 20 bucks, but who cares when all of a sudden there was a knock on the door, I reeled in panic.

Once again, behind the lounge, this time I was thankful that I had the pistol. Hands a shaking. I tried to remain calm before I wet myself.

The person was persistent, they knocked repeatedly.

Summing all the courage I could muster, I slowly opened the door; a small thin weasel-like hotel employee looked at me with pure unadulterated non-caring written upon his face. I tell you what, he held it together damn well overall.

Because there I stood, in the middle of the doorway with a smoke in the corner of my mouth, holding a 20 buck beer can in one hand, a pistol in the other, and wearing nothing but a puffy white pirate-like shirt, gold lettered blue ‘Stud’ undies with matching Calvin Klein bright blue socks. Dark Maui Jim sunglasses covered my bloodshot eyes.

“Good morning sir, my name is Cedric and I am your personal butler, your breakfast as requested, sir.” He was close to losing it; I think he would have if I was not holding a pistol.

“What? I did not order anything.”

“No sir, but your wife did just a little while ago.”

Oh yeah, my wife, the lovely undieless Mandy, God bless her.

“Ok, thanks just set it down anywhere.” I pointed at him with the pistol: I took another gulp of beer.

Cedric had the breakfast set down and was out of the door in about three and half seconds. Not before, he was a few hundred dollars richer and, after he had peeked at the movie being played on the huge plasma TV. He looked at me again, nodded his approval, and I smiled back my thanks. Really, only men would understand the connection Cedric and I felt right then. I closed the door and heard loud laughter echoing down the hallway. Damn cheeky bastard.

While I ate the enormous breakfast I looked at the money, keys and pistol, money, keys and pistol, money, keys and pistol, my eyes ran over the items at a phenomenal rate. I also included the black dress and other items at different stages through my thought process. They all became a blur as the intensity became overwhelming.

Until finally my brain halted with a thud.

SMACK’O.

It hit me like a hammer, the sudden recall snapping my head back and my stomach contents up. Some of the previous day’s events unfolded before my very eyes, and I certainly did not like what I saw. I was always a few beers short of a six-pack but never had I ever been involved with something so insanely stupid. At this very moment, I soiled my gold ‘Stud’ undies.

After crying like a baby for a while, I started to regain my senses. What was I going to do? Another ten minutes of non-brain activity accompanied with more crying and I was no closer to solving my predicament. O’Lord, Big Cosmo Kowliski was going to kill me, of that, I was certain.

I fell back into the lounge and leaned my head back. A trio of jackhammers replaced the heavy metal bands and from the sounds of things, they were trying to dig their way to China through my brain.

Slowly, and ever so painfully, I started to vividly recall some of the events leading up to me being in a very expensive hotel room with a bag full of about a million dollars, keys to a Porche and Maserati and a pistol. Not to mention, being married to a stunning looking woman (which is not a bad thing by any meaning of the word), wearing undies with the word ‘Stud’ written all over them, with matching bright blue socks and, having your lovemaking technique filmed for your viewing pleasure. Worst of all … I was drinking 20-buck beer and smoking and damn it if I wasn’t enjoying both. To top it all off I just had a two-hundred dollar breakfast.

All things considered, yesterday was an exceptionally good day in a very humdrum life. Unless of course I knew that, it would cause me to be dead in just 11 hours time.

 

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