JOKES - These are the best, bugger the rest




If you take offence at a swear word or two or are perplexed about jokes concerning religion, our aborigine mates, dumb blondes, drunks, husbands, wives or pommies you had better put this book down now, a good laugh will be of no benefit to you.

In Store Price: $AU21.95 
Online Price:   $AU20.95

ISBN: 978-1-921574-32-0      
Format: A5 Paperback
Number of pages: 118
Genre: Fiction/Australian humour

 Buy as a pdf  Ebook version - $AUD9.00


Author: Hans Kensen
Publisher: Zeus Publications
Date Published: 2009
Language: English



I have a bit of a reputation for telling a joke or two. Actually I was running a survey to determine the best response from the jokes I told. The jokes on these pages are the ones that got the best laugh. So here are the best, bugger the rest.




Born 75 years ago and raised in the city until his late teens he then moved to the bush. He worked in pubs, clubs, toiled in the shearing sheds and did some droving.

In his own words:

‘They say Sydney’s big, but I can tell you mate, the bush is bigger and I have been listening to jokes all my life. Being a twin I started listening early and have heard ’em all. Most are like, what I heard from my twin brother in the cradle and not worth repeating, but there are some jokes that stick in your memory and are worth passing on.

‘Here, to me, are the best. 

‘When you read these pages you will know all the best jokes and how to put them over. People will laugh and you will make the world a happier place

‘When you tell a joke, make sure you get it right. There is nothing worse that buggering up a good joke.  You are better off to have not told it at all.

‘That means you have to rehearse the joke so it rolls off the tongue. Here’s a good one to practise on.’

Here is a sample of the book:

O.k. Here is a beauty.

When you tell this one, lean over and talk down and put your hand beside your mouth. Conversely talk up in the same manner when you relate the victim’s part.




Up at Echo Point in the Blue Mountains a bloke fell over the edge of Echo Point and fell down a fair way. The police rescue chap leans over and asks how he was going.

Victim – ‘Not bad,’ was the reply.

Copper – ‘We will throw you down a rope, grab hold of it and we’ll haul you up.’

Victim – ‘Both my arms are broken.’

Copper – ‘How do you feel?’

Victim – ‘Not bad.’

Copper – ‘O.k., tie it round your chest and we’ll pull you up like that.’ 

Victim – ‘All my ribs are broken.’

Copper – ‘How do you feel?’

Victim – ‘Not bad.’

Copper – ‘Tie the rope around your legs and we will pull you up upside down.’

Victim – ‘Both my legs are broken.’

Copper – ‘How do you feel?’

Victim – ‘Not bad.’

Copper – Being a cluey bloke, ‘Have you got your own  teeth.’

Victim – ‘Yes.’

Copper – ‘Grab the rope in your  mouth and we will haul you up like that.’

Victim – ‘O.k.’

They haul away and when the victim gets near the top the copper asks, ‘How are you going?’

Victim – (diminishing in sound) ‘Not baaaaaaaaad.’ 




Judge – Order in the court

Drunk – I’ll have a scotch and soda.

Judge  – Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Drunk – What else have I got?

Judge – 10 days in gaol or two hundred dollars.

Drunk – I’ll take the two hundred dollars.

Judge – I think you two could settle this out of court.

Drunk – That’s what we were doing when the copper lumbered us.


A judge is reading out the charge in court.

The accused is charged with taking a hammer and bashing his wife to death.

A voice from the back of the  court remarks,

‘Rotten bastard.’

The judge continues and says, ‘The accused is further charged with taking the hammer and bashing his mother – in – law to death.’

The voice from the back of the court again,

‘Rotten bastard.’

The judge stops and speaks to the person interrupting from the back of the court.

‘What is your problem?’ inquires the judge.

The voice says, ‘He is my neighbour, Judge, and I asked him last week if I could borrow his hammer and he told me he didn’t have one.’




An R.S.P.C.A. officer stops two kids who had a big alsation dog pulling a billy cart and the kids have a bit of string tied on to the dogs testicles. 

‘Get that dog out of that billy cart and take the string off the dog’s testicles.’

‘Shit,’ says one of the kids, ‘there goes top gear.’





Drunk – I can remember when I gave the grog away,  it was the longest couple of hours I ever put in.


Two kids were skiting about their old man.

One brags, ‘My father can blow smoke rings out of his mouth.’

The other kid says, ‘My old man can blow them out of his bum.’

‘Bullshit,’ says the first kid.

First kid, ‘No it’s true, I have seen the nicotine stains on his underpants.’                             


Kid – ‘Hey Mum, where do babies come from?’

Mum – ‘The stork brings them of course.’

Kid – ‘But who f..ks the stork?’



Granddad dies. The granddaughter rings Grandma and asks her what happened.

Grandma replies, ‘We were having sex and he died.’

‘That’s terrible, Grandma,’ says the granddaughter.

‘No, we only had sex on a Sunday morning when the church bells were ringing and he would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong.’

‘But what happened, Grandma?’

‘Oh, Mr Whippy drove past.’


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